


Nothing to See Here

by Lightpoint



Series: Keeping Up Appearences [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Crack, Crack and Smut, Dirty Talk, Embarrassment, F/M, Force Suggestion, Humor, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Memory Alteration, Mind Manipulation, Murphy's Law, OFC is a fly on the wall in this fic, OFC is mortified, Obligatory Nabooian Dirty Talk, POV First Person, Palpatine totally knows that she's there, Podfic Available, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, YOU IN DANGER GIRL, and kinda turned on, humor and smut, that crawling in the ventilation shaft cliche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:47:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightpoint/pseuds/Lightpoint
Summary: Livia the Senate Holonet Tech is called in to investigate a series of service outages. Everything goes (relatively) smoothly, until she gets stuck in Chancellor Palpatine’s office, and sees quite a bit more than she’d ever wanted to see...  Padmé Amidala/Sheev Palpatine





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I heard there's a thing called ‘Self Insert Weekend.’ And I missed it, apparently, but here’s a submission anyway…And it’s about 70% crack, 30% smut (the latter does not involve the OFC). This fic is also in the ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ continuity. Guess who supplies the smut? #sorrynotsorry

It was Friday, so of-kriffing-course almost 25% of the Senate building lost the Holonet without warning. Thirty minutes before I was supposed to leave, too. 

_So close to freedom,_ I thought, sighing. _I should have hidden in the bathroom when they came looking for volunteers…_

And because it was Friday, there were maybe three field techs available in my sector…None of whom I would let within ten parsecs of an ancient Ethernet connection, much less the most sensitive Holonet lines in the Republic. 

Well, there _was_ Von, but he wasn’t allowed to do any physical work after 5, unless IT wanted to pay him time-and-a-half. Which they didn’t. He could talk me through the nastier parts on the comm, but his boss would flay him alive if he actually touched anything.

 _Kriffing Union and their kriffing overtime rules…_ Everyone else who could’ve done this job (and probably better, too) had already left for the day. So I dusted off the troubleshooting manual, borrowed an anti-static jumpsuit, and headed for the first office. 

Two agonizing hours later, I dragged myself into Chancellor Palpatine’s office. 

It was empty save for a scratchy hologram of Naboo floating over the desk, and a thick red cloak thrown over the back of a comfy-looking, high-backed, chair. 

_Thank the Force…_

“Save the best for last, eh Livia?” Von asked, his voice crackling over the comlink. I could practically _hear_ the smirk.

“Kriff you,” I muttered. _Like_ you’ve _never had a hopeless crush._ “Let’s just get this over with.” _Hopefully it’ll be the same problem as the other 30 offices._ Network box overloads, though a bit of a pain to fix, were not especially complicated…But I hadn’t been out in the field for a few years. These days I spent most of my time at a desk configuring network permissions, not running wires. I’d wasted entirely too much wire, had burned myself with solder several times, and still needed Von to walk me through the patch order. 

The absolute last thing that I wanted was for Chancellor Palpatine to see me flailing around in his network box, breaking wires and burning myself. And Von knew it, too. The bastard.

 _I’m never going to hear the end of this…_

Unfortunately, my hopes that I’d be in, out, and on an air taxi by 9 went down in flames when I crawled under the Chancellor’s desk to look for the network connectors. 

“Not seeing it, Von…”

“Look, Livia, just find the red cord…got it?”

“Yes,” I grumbled after a moment, glaring at the ball of wires.

“Ok, now pull up the deck panel and follow it…”

“Umm…Von? It’s heading up. Into the ceiling.”

“What? Ok, let me check…All right, don’t worry, it’s just the ventilation system. You’ve done HVAC, right?”

“Three years ago,” I muttered. _And never looked back._

“Great. Just get up there. The box is probably further in…”

 

*

 

The ventilation shaft was exactly like every other ventilation shaft I’d ever been in; dark, uncomfortable, and grody. I switched on my head lamp and crawled forward, wincing as my elbow banged on metal as I turned a corner.

 _It’d better be in here,_ I thought. The only reason that the box would be installed anywhere near here was security. Von – after a few minutes of static while he dug up the schematics -- had explained that unlike the other offices, the parts of Chancellor Palpatine’s network controller circuits that were malfunctioning were linked to a subnet of the Senate security system. So it made sense to hide the thing, to make it harder to tamper with.

I paused a few yards into the shaft.

_Wait…_

“…So you’re saying there’s a security blackout?”

“---not --- total – dammit, hang on –“ I jerked the comlink away from my ear as it exploded with static. “-- the main area an – rooms ---“

“Von?”

“----over the --- take a left ---“

“Ok then…” I crawled down the left passage, stopping at a grating that overlooked a small room just off the main office. Curious, I shuffled closer to take a look.

“Huh…”

The room was dominated by an enormous bed, which was swathed in a luxurious blood-red comforter and piled high with pillows. The comforter corner was turned up slightly, showing (surprise) red silk sheets. 

_Wow, he really_ does _sleep here…_

I leaned closer, and spotted a small table, a bottle of wine, and two empty glasses. 

_Two. Glasses._

_Oh. My. God._

“---Livia – Hey Livia, come in!”

Von’s voice knocked me back to reality.

“I’m here!” I squeaked. 

“It should be directly on your left…Anything?”

I wrenched my mind away from images of half-empty wine bottles.

“…No.”

“That doesn’t sound very definite, Livia.”

“Look, I’m telling you Von, there is. Nothing. Here,” I snapped, wincing as I craned my neck to reach my comlink. “…Von?” 

Nothing but static.

I groaned with exasperation, and inhaled a lungful of black dust.

“Augh!” I rolled onto my stomach and crawled back the way I came, muttering curses under my breath when I reached the exit grating.

It wouldn’t budge.

_Great. Just great._

I headed back to the room with the bed, hoping that maybe I could get Von on the comlink. No such luck. There wasn’t even static coming out of the thing anymore. 

“Well this is just…peachy…” I muttered. The ventilation shaft extended off into the far distance, no end in sight. Unfortunately, I _did_ spot several red, blinking sensors about three yards away; a security field, probably motion or heat activated. 

_Figures._ Of course the vents would be monitored. I inched forward slightly to see what sort they were…and scrambled back almost immediately with a panicked yelp. _Shock beams._ They were meant to capture, not kill, but anyone unlucky to walk (ok, crawl) through them would be in a massive amount of pain until the Senate guards showed up to scrape their twitching body out of the vent. 

_Yeah…no thanks…_

The part of my mind that wasn’t in panic mode was relieved that at least _some_ of the security in this corner of the Chancellor’s office was still up. The rest of it was opting for the ‘flight’ part of the Human ‘fight-or-flight’ stress impulse reaction. Said flight took me right into the grating over the red bedroom. 

Did I mention that the grate was loose? Because it was.

I fell face first onto the bed, bounced, and had about a millisecond to note how gloriously soft the comforter was before I hit the floor with an alarming _thud._ Everything slowed to a crawl. I lay on my stomach, part of me coolly tabulating the probability that I’d sustained a serious injury _\--- vague ache in left hip and thigh, seem to have taken most of the weight in non-critical area, - vision clear, if slow - heartbeat fast, as expected - probability of whiplash and/or concussion low ---_

The door hissed open.

I rolled under the bed without thinking. Later, I’d blame the ringing in my ears, the hot flood of embarrassment, and the little-discussed ‘hide’ part of the Human ‘fight-or-flight’ reaction. _It probably evolved later,_ I thought inanely as two sets of feet entered the room. 

_Bipeds, humans, probably,_ I thought. A pair of tiny, jeweled slippers, just visible under the hemline of an opulent purple skirt appeared in my line of sight, quickly joined by a brief glimpse of sturdy black boots under a thickly embroidered black robe. 

My brain whited out. I’d seen that robe earlier that afternoon. 

“The rumors are true,” whispered a refined, feminine voice. “You _do_ sleep here.”

“Sometimes…” a deep, rich, extremely familiar baritone murmured back. “If you had space in your office, I’m sure you’d do the same.”

Layers of skirts rustled as the woman stepped closer. 

“Did you plan this?” The sound of glass on glass chimed in the small room. I barely caught the response.

“Only in a general sense.”

They moved together. I squeezed my eyes shut as the woman moaned, the sound slightly muffled by…

 _Oh shit they’re kissing –_ I determinedly studied the complicated lattice of wood and springs over my head. _No way, is this an Alderaanian relaxa-bed? Wow – That is just some killer craftsmanship --_

A low laugh, and a liquid string of words I didn’t recognize derailed my valiant attempt to ignore what was going on.

 _That’s Nabooian._ I’d listened to enough broadcasts to at least know that I was hearing it…and to finally recognize the musical lilt of the Chancellor’s companion when she responded in kind.

Well, it made sense, in a rather scandalous sort of way. They had the same homeworld, and all of that. Senator Amidala was something of a legend, both on Naboo, and among her colleagues. Denying her role in the Battle of Geonosis was a bit of a berserk button for me. Not to mention the giant can of whoop-ass she’d opened all over the Trade Federation during the Naboo blockade over a decade ago. 

_Why didn’t I think of this before…_

The mattress creaked as the Senator sat on the edge and kicked off her slippers. Her dress slid off too, after a sibilant exchange in their native language, punctuated by gasps. The Chancellor tossed it carelessly onto the floor and stepped between her legs. Soon her toes were curling, her calves clenched tight. The mattress was nowhere near thick enough to muffle the desperate noises falling from her lips. 

_Remember that Hutt porn that Von sent you last week…Think of the Hutt porn…All the slime…THINK OF THE SLIME, DAMN IT!_

Unfortunately, I couldn’t quite stop the gasp. 

The Chancellor stilled, and I plunged into a glorious world of terror, the depths of which would have likely remained undiscovered by the entire human race, were it not for me.

“What is it?” Amidala asked in Basic, her voice gone raw, stripped of inhibition.

“Nothing,” he replied. His voice dropped to a whisper. “Except everything that I’m going to do to you tonight.” 

“Like what?” The Senator’s legs vanished from my view as the Chancellor’s robe joined her dress on the floor. The mattress creaked again as he joined her. I had just enough time to be thankful that there was a pile of clothes between me and the rest of the room before it got worse.

Much, much, worse.

“Turn over.”

The mattress creaked. There was a faint _thump,_ and then the light clink of glass. 

“…What are you…Ahhh…” Amidala’s voice faded into a happy sigh. The response was barely audible.

“Touching you…I’ve been thinking about this all day, you know. What you’re hiding under all of those robes.” He chuckled, low and dark. “Just waiting to be…unwrapped.”

“Palpatine…” The mattress shuddered violently. I caught a flicker of motion out of the corner of my eye. 

_Oh, fuck my life,_ I thought, biting down on my fist. Hard. _Shadows on the wall…_

“And once I get you free, your skin…glistening with oil and sweat. So delicate. Did you know you blush _everywhere_ when I touch you? Especially here…” 

Amidala _whimpered._

“…Like a flower, opening up for me. So sweet on my tongue...”

Everything else was lost in the swell of moans and rustle of bedsheets.

The Hutt porn wasn’t working. 

Finally, the Senator screamed his name. 

After a moment, they spoke again.

“That’s one.”

“…What?” came Amidala’s faint, dazed voice.

“One. You’re going to come on my cock next. That will be two. And three. After that, well…I have a few ideas.”

“Well, isn’t someone confident this evening…”

There was a brief silence. I peeked at the shadow figures, and sighed with relief. _Just kissing…_

It was almost…Sweet.

_Maybe they’ll take it elsewhere…_

No such luck. The kiss turned hungry, and the shadows writhed, merging into one. 

“Hmmm…Is Milady Senator ready for me?”

There was a gasp, and a muffled _yes, yes please._

“Like _this,”_ Amidala whispered. I looked away again just as she got up onto her hands and knees. This time it was the Chancellor that groaned. 

“As you wish…” The mattress jerked. Amidala _screamed._

It went on for _entirely_ too long. I pretended that I was in the middle of an earthquake. An earthquake caused by Rancors in the grips of fiery passion. The comforter slid half off the bed. Pillows fell near the clothes. The Chancellor counted to _four._

But finally they came down. The shadow shapes stilled and then folded into a pile, the room full of the sound of heavy breathing, and the light rustle of post-coital humans getting comfortable.

“Can we just stay here?” Amidala whispered, after a long moment. “It’s a long ride to 500 Republica.”

It wasn’t, but, well…Her brain was probably a bit fuzzy.

“Not tonight,” he replied after a long moment. “Head to my private turbolift at the end of the floor. I will join you there…there’s something I need to take care of.” 

“All right…Just give me a minute.”

They lay quietly for a time. _Too quietly._ I tried my damndest to slow down my breathing, to not move a muscle…basically to impersonate a rock. My heart, though, was pounding so hard with fear and ashamed arousal that I was sure that they would hear it. 

But no. Amidala stood slowly, and padded off to the refresher, while Palpatine swung his legs over the side -- _my side_ \-- and headed for the pile of clothes. He bent down, swept up Amidala’s dress, and looked straight at me. 

And smirked. My heart plummeted into my intestines. 

“Shh…” he whispered, holding up a finger to his lips. “Stay there.”

I stayed. I focused on the wood and metal over my head, listened intently to the soft rustle of Amidala getting dressed, the quiet murmur of Nabooian as the pair said their temporary farewells. Then the door hissed shut, and I was alone with the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, in a boiling hot room, thick with the smell of sex.

_Not good._

There was a long silence. Footsteps thudded on the deck. Palpatine reached down, grasped my arm, and hauled me out from under the bed with surprising strength. I swayed on my feet, dizzy from the sudden shift in altitude, and so didn’t resist when he all but threw me onto the mattress.

“Sit,” he snapped, when I yelped and tried to roll back off. 

I sat. 

_There’s nowhere else for you to sit,_ I reminded myself, trying to shove the sudden flood of thoughts and _possibilities_ back into the gutter where they belonged. _You’re in a phenomenal amount of shit, remember?_

“Sir, I…”

 _“Silence.”_ My jaw snapped shut. I shivered, as a sudden, alien breed of fear traced icy fingers down my spine. 

Time slowed to a crawl. He just…stood there, arms crossed over his chest, _watching_ me. I bit my lip, and held back the sob building in my chest. 

“Explain yourself.”

“I – “

“Spit it out, technician,” he said, looking pointedly at my stained coveralls. I flushed. 

“There was a service request,” I blurted. “The Holonet went down. I was up there – “ I pointed at the vent I’d fallen out of. “Looking for the net box. I almost hit the security sensors, and I – I panicked, and…” My shoulders drooped. “I…Fell, and then I kind of rolled –“ 

And out came the sob. _Damn it…_ I looked away until I got it together, rubbing angrily at my eyes.

“I’m so sorry sir, I didn’t mean –“

The mattress dipped. My stomach lurched as he sat next to me, so close that our thighs were nearly touching…And reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand. 

I froze. He gripped my chin and turned me to face him. My vision blurred as he tucked a loose strand of hair back into my braid, and laid a soothing hand on my back.

“There is nothing to forgive,” he murmured, his breath warm on my cheek.

“…Really?” I squeaked. He smiled. 

“No one can control what happens in dreams, you see…”

“No…They can’t…” 

_Wait…WHAT?_

“This -- this isn’t – “ My vision snapped into focus. _Aren’t his eyes blue?_

Slender fingers tightened in my hair. 

“A rather pleasant dream.” His voice swelled, deep and soft, drowning out the clamor in my head. Suddenly I was curled up against his shoulder, half in his lap. “An…embellishment, of sorts, on several more.”

“But – the net box –“ 

It was so warm and safe in his arms, and the soft fingers stroking my scalp felt so…good…

“An unfortunate accident. A few crossed wires up there, and…” He smiled against my throat. “You made it back to the office, and fainted…But you got the job done.” 

“Yes…” My eyelids drooped. I had, hadn’t I?

My last thought before everything went black was that it was a very good thing that this was the last office. I wasn’t going to be back on my feet for awhile…

 

*

 

I came to slumped against the Chancellor’s desk, surrounded by my tools and covered in grime. Von knelt next to me, his eyes wide and frantic. 

“What are you doing here?” I mumbled. The words slid on my tongue and crackled in my ears. I felt as though someone had stirred my brains with a rusty knife. “You’ll get in trouble…”

Von sat back, sighing with relief.

“You weren’t answering the comm,” he said. “I got worried. And it was a damn good thing I did – look at you!”

“I fixed it…”

Von rolled his eyes.

“Yes, you fixed it. And now we need to fix you. Come on…” He shoved the tools into a pile and hauled me to my feet. “Med bay’s this way…What the hell happened, anyway?” I grinned broadly.

“I had the most…interesting…dream…”

**FIN**

**EDIT 12/30/2016:** Behold...Narration!  
Click [HERE ](http://www.mediafire.com/file/j2yebj983plljw7/nothing_to_see_herepodficfile2.mp3)for Podfic download from MediaFire  
**Length:** 17 minutes

*

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Yeah...So after a week of writing intense angst, I developed a mighty need to write some crack. I got this idea, and boom!  
> 2\. I also had a mighty need to write some uncomplicated Padatine smut. BOOM!  
> 3\. If I had any job in the GFFA, it'd either be some form of desk-technician or the hired help on a ship.  
> 4\. Hopefully this brought the lulz and smut... ;)


End file.
